Brawny – for your toughest messes. Or so they claim. Well, even Brawny can’t clean up the mess I’ve made. UGH!! I am so frustrated with myself right now that I don’t know if I should cry or SCREAM!! Crying I’ve done plenty of…and it is not helping much. Maybe screaming would help. I don’t know.
I can’t even seem to get my head around how this happened. In March, everything seemed to be going just fine. Actually, better than fine. Wonderful. I was head over heels in love…engaged…planning to move and start a life with the man I still believe is my soul mate. And now…all those hopes and dreams are fractured.
I feel like I had almost finished a 1,000 piece puzzle and someone took it, threw it into the middle of a Category 5 hurricane…and now the pieces are scattered all over. I don’t even know if I can find all the pieces to put it all back together. I just don’t get it. I’ve gone over and over the events of the last several months and none of it makes any sense. How did this happen? The pieces I have left just don’t fit together…
I remember when my brother and I were kids and we would build structures/patterns out of dominoes and then practice domino “demolition.” We got pretty good at building elaborate structures that included building blocks, different levels, etc. You know, you set up the dominos in a pattern and tap one…and watch as they all fall down – one at a time. Just one little tap can bring down a structure of 10 or 10,000 dominoes in a matter of seconds. Someone, somewhere tapped one of my dominoes…and my hopes, my dreams, my plans have come crashing down.
But were my hopes, my plans so fragile, so unstable and precarious that one tap, one shift of the foundation destroyed it all? Or is there maybe one corner that remains? Somewhere I can pinpoint to start rebuilding?
I don’t know the answer right now. I know it is going to take time to clean up this mess, to find the answers to my questions, to figure out what I want and put back together the pieces of my life. I can only hope that when I get my mess cleaned up and have some answers that it is not too late. That time has not eroded any part of the foundation that may be left… I suppose that only fate knows the answer to that. And as cliché as it is – time will tell…until then I will pick a spot and start cleaning this mess up, start picking up the pieces…start putting it all back together.
And I’ll hold my breath as I wait to see what fate has in store… Perhaps when I get my mess cleaned up I will find that all is not lost and love will endure. Perhaps I’m just Humpty Dumpty who sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again. Or perhaps fate has new hopes and new plans in store for me and I have to clean up this mess to make way for new hopes, new dreams…new plans. But regardless of what life hands me…a love lost forever, a new beginning, broken dreams or completely new hopes and dreams…I will survive. That much I know for sure. So, time to start cleaning. Think I’ll start right over there…
I think there was some sort of cosmic shitstorm that hit at the end of last week as just about everyone (myself included) seems to have had trauma of some sort over the past several days.
Hang in there! You’re not alone
THANK YOU! Nice to know I’m not alone. Maybe the moon is aligned wrong with Saturn or Mars or is in the house of Jupiter – I just don’t know…but as do all shitstorms this too shall pass…
Hopefully my umbrella will hold up because I have a sneaking suspicion that my storm is going to last a few more weeks…but WE will survive.
You and me both…forgotten how awful a relationship gone sour feels
BUT, I’m making my contingency plans and continuing to run.